My Number One
by FrostyFingers
Summary: She was crying in earnest now. He had left. Without a word, without even waking her, he had left. The only thing she had was this letter and… his hat.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** I started writing this fic months ago and it's been sitting on my computer ever since. I never really knew how to continue, so I hope that posting the beginning now might put me under enough pressure to finish it. This is basically what I think will happen towards the end of TBL, not that I want to think about the show ending. A big thank you goes to heatherpeters this time, for reading through this and giving me enough encouragement to start posting it. I hope you'll like it. Let me know what you think.

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

 **Chapter 1**

"I feel like celebrating," she said with a big grin, tugging on his arm. She had been holding onto him ever since they left the post office.

"Celebrating?"

"Yeah, you know, this was one of the big fish we took down today." While he unlocked the door, she didn't let go of him, merely loosened her hold. "It was tricky, but your plan worked, as always."

He took the coat from her shoulders and hung it on the rack, before taking off his own outdoor clothes. "That it was. Your friends from the FBI weren't that bad either."

Liz loved the Hempstead house. It was cluttered but homey. She was glad Red had decided to keep it for a while. Sitting down, she kicked off her ankle boots and tucked her feet underneath her, patting the cushion next to her.

He gave her a smile and sat down close to her. "That was really good work today, Lizzie. Not that I expected anything less."

"That's why we need to celebrate."

"Did you want to go out?" He asked. He really didn't want to, but he would humor her if she really desired to do so.

She shook her head. "No. We just got here. But we need food!"

Looking at her for a moment, he knew what she was thinking. "Take-out?" He only received a grin in return. "Chinese?"

The laugh that escaped her lips couldn't be stopped. "You know me too well," she said. "But let's try something else. Surprise me."

Red raised a brow at her, cocking his head to the side. "Surprise you?"

"No fertilized duck eggs," she warned and Red chuckled.

He stood and looked around, spotting his cell phone on a sideboard. He was about to get it and call Dembe to get them something to eat, when she grabbed his hand. Shooting her a questioning look, he patiently waited for her to say something.

Her thumbs caressed his hand gently, her eyes big and round, all traces of humor gone. "You could've been hurt. I'm glad you're alright."

He squeezed her hands in return. "You and me both, sweetheart," he said and leaned in to place a kiss to her forehead, before releasing her and walking over to his phone.

Knowing that she loved Asian food, he decided on Malaysian cuisine for them and she had gladly wolfed it down, forgetting to ask what it even was that she was eating. They continued sitting on the couch for the remainder of the night, sharing a bottle of expensive wine and falling into comfortable conversation.

Ever since they'd been on the run, it had become easier to communicate and Liz had realized that she enjoyed talking to him as much as listening to his seemingly endless stories. After half a bottle of wine in his system, Red even opened up about his childhood, telling her about his parents and the sister she hadn't known he had. How he had drilled a hole in the wall to her room and taken money from his friends so they could watch her undress.

She had swatted his arm for doing so before breaking into laughter, tears teasing the corners of her eyes. She was resting heavily against him and he had wrapped an arm around her moments before, so she could get comfortable.

There was a moment of silence as both took a sip of their wine, before Liz handed him her glass so he could place it back on the table. When he turned back towards her, he was surprised to feel her soft lips against his cheek. She kissed him gently and then snuggled deeper into his chest, tucking her head under his chin.

"I'm really glad you're alright."

He momentarily tightened his arm around her, finding himself unable to respond as his throat closed up. It didn't take her long to fall asleep, curled up in his arms, feeling warm and safe. For a while he didn't move, barely breathed, until he was sure that she was in deep slumber. He carefully slipped out from underneath her, then covered her with a thick blanket, gently stroking her head.

Taking another sip of his wine, Red grabbed a notepad and a pen and lowered himself to the floor, resting his back against the couch, close enough so he could feel her warm breath against his neck.

 _'Lizzie,_

 _It sounds cliché, but I don't know where to start. The past four years with you have been a rollercoaster ride, and even though I can't be sure that you ever really trusted me, I know that you tried to. You tried looking past the Concierge of Crime persona, tried seeing the real me, but I can tell you there is nothing left but the shell of an old man. It has been wonderful to watch you grow in your role as an FBI agent. You worked hard for that and I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for not being able to protect you better. You should have never been put in a position where you had to choose to kill someone. I realize that I will never be able to make it up to you. Always remember the good you did, how many lives you have saved and how many more you have protected. You don't need a badge for that._

 _I am sorry for not letting you say goodbye to your father. Back then I knew for sure that you didn't trust me at all and Sam was too weak to realize the danger you would be put into when you knew the truth. I should have told you, I realize now how stupid I was to keep it from you. You have always been such a smart girl and you have only become a smarter woman._

 _I also want to apologize for Tom. For putting him into your life, even though involuntarily, for not interfering sooner, for not telling you, for not being there when you needed me the most. For all he did to you, I will never forgive myself._

 _I never wanted you to be hurt. My main priority was to keep you save at all costs and I will always continue to see that you are. I meant it when I said that there is nothing worse than losing you. You can't possibly understand how much you mean to me._

 _I need you to know that whenever you are in need, I will be there, even though I won't be around. Please take care of yourself, but don't worry too much. My security will make sure that you are out of harm's way. The house is yours, if you want it. You can stay for as long as you want. There is some money in the closet and I promise you it isn't blood money._

 _I will miss you dearly, sweetheart. Leaving you is the most difficult decision I have ever made, but it is for the best. We have taken down every single name on the blacklist, but one. I will ask you to leave it, to not interfere. Find a man that is deserving of your love and settle down, away from all of this. I want you to find happiness; to live the dream of walking through the park with your husband, your little girl walking between the both of you. You're holding her hand in yours... and you'll never let go._

 _You deserve the best in life._

 _Yours always,_

 _Red.'_

He wiped his eyes and took a shaky breath. He loved her, loved her dearly and that was the reason he had to go now. He would never put her through this. He wanted her to move on and she would never do that with him around.

He took a moment to watch her sleep, her face relaxed and angelic. How he wished he could've kissed her, but he knew that this would never happen, it couldn't, not even if she wanted it to. Standing up, he put the letter on the table, covering it with his fedora. He slowly dressed, trying to spend as much time in her presence as he could, but he knew he was stalling. When it was time, Red bent down and gently stroked her cheek.

"I'll miss you, Lizzie," he whispered as tears were welling up in his eyes again. As carefully as possible, he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth. "I'll miss you."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** As a nice reader on Ao3 has pointed out, it's been about 7 months since I've uploaded this fic. I do apologize, but writer's block has kept me away from writing any fics at all. I hope you forgive me and that you'll enjoy the second chapter of my little fic.

 **Chapter 2**

She stretched her arms and legs like a cat, yawning widely as she slowly opened her eyes. The soft morning light was streaming through the window. Her body was covered with a thick blanket and she was reluctant to get up and leave the warm cocoon. Her stomach had other plans though, as it let her know that food was requested immediately.

Quickly scanning the room, she found that Red wasn't where she had left him the night prior. He had also cleaned up their mess and put a bottle of water and two small white pills on the table. His fedora was still there, so she wasn't worried, but rather looking forward to breakfast, since he would always make the tastiest things.

"Red?" She called out, waiting and listening for any sounds. "Red?" She called again, this time louder. Where was he? "Ugh, you better not be playing chess with Dembe and leaving me hungry. Let there be coffee at least."

Her head wasn't hurting that much, yet she took the pills with a long gulp of water. He must have been awake for some time, since the bottle was almost room temperature. With a quick comb of her fingers through her hair, Liz took a hair band from her wrist and made her blonde strands into a messy bun.

"Red." She walked to the kitchen, but found it empty. There was a new coffee machine, he had bought it for her, and the timer was set to go off in five minutes. He really knew her too well, she thought with a smile. There were pastries on the counter and she took one, while she continued her search. "Hello?" Making her way through the dining room, she opened the door to the study. "Red, I'm done playing hide and seek."

She came up empty there as well. He was nowhere to be found, but why was his freaking hat still there. A shot of fear bolted through her as she thought about a possible kidnapping, but she knew that it was highly unlikely. Where was he?

Making her way back to the living room, she took his fedora from the table and stopped at the sight of a white envelope. It had her name written on it in red ink. Rubbing her sweaty palms on her pants, she lifted it and sat down to read. Instantly her eyes started to tear up. What was this about? Was he really saying goodbye? He had no reason to leave, so why had he? Wiping the back of her hand over her face, she grabbed her cell and punched in his number. It didn't even ring and after a second it switched to voicemail.

"Red! Where are you?" She spoke into the device. "What is this? What are you playing at? You need to call me. Right now!"

Her throat closed up and her chest restricted painfully. He wouldn't have just left her. They weren't done yet. She grabbed the letter again and re-read it.

' _I will be there, even though I won't be around.'_

' _The house is yours, if you want it.'_

' _There is some money in the closet'_

' _I will miss you'_

' _taken down every single name on the blacklist, but one'_

' _leave it'_

' _I ask you to not interfere'_

' _Find a man that is deserving of your love'_

No, he didn't mean that, he was pulling her leg.

' _I will miss you'_

' _Find a man that is deserving of your love'_

' _deserving of your love'_

' _love'_

' _I will miss you'_

' _I will miss you'_

' _missyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyou'_

' _You deserve the best in life.'_

She was crying in earnest now. He had left. Without a word, without even waking her, he had left. The only thing she had was this letter and… his hat.

Taking the fedora off the table, she couldn't resist holding it up to her nose and inhaling deeply. His scent was enveloping her softly as thick, hot tears dropped from her eyes.

It turned out that he really had left a huge amount of money in the closet and she wasn't sure what to do with it. After having tried Dembe's cell and even Mr. Kaplan's without any positive outcome, she had felt so drained. The tears had continued to fall as she was left unsure of what to do next. She was exhausted and wanted to sleep, so she had tried the bed. Liz had almost choked when his scent had hit her full on. She had thrown back the covers and stumbled against the wall. She couldn't do it, couldn't sleep in his bed. It would kill her to be reminded every single day that he had left her, just like everyone else had.

Moving out of her apartment, she sold everything. Everything but the couch he had gotten her. She had the movers put it in the bedroom. It was silly, but it felt as if she was close to him when she pulled it out to sleep on it.

 **LizzingtonLizzingtonLizzington**

It was a couple of days later that she decided it was time for her to get back to the post office. She greeted the security guards at the entrance and got onto the elevator like every other day. She was about to step out of it when Ressler stopped her, before she had even fully entered the war room.

"Keen."

"Hey, Ress," she greeted. "I need to talk to you about something."

He made no move to suggest she was welcome to walk to the office they shared. "I can't let you in."

Her smile faded. "What? What do you mean, you can't let me in? I work here?"

"No, you don't," he replied, his arms crossed. "You were a fugitive on the run with the Number Four on the FBI's most wanted list not too long ago. Do you really think you could just waltz in here again?"

She was speechless for a moment, taken by surprise. "I was cleared," she spluttered. "And I just helped you put away another criminal!"

"That was Reddington. And come to mention it, he has somehow vanished again. We both know that you two have something weird going on, so why don't we skip this and you tell me where he is? We have a deal after all."

"I have no idea where he is! And there's nothing going on between Red and myself."

"Whatever," he replied with a wave of his hand.

Liz shook her head. "Just let me talk to Cooper."

"Do I need to call security?"

People were looking at her by now. Some she had never seen before, but even the people she had used to work with every day for the past few years were looking at her like she was a traitor. She could already feel the blood rushing through her head as a blush crept up her face.

"You shot the Attorney General of the United States." He continued and then held up a hand as her mouth opened to protest. "I don't care what you have to say about Connolly. You're not getting further than this. Your desk has been cleared out, the boxes can be picked up at the HQ."

"Ress -"

"Look, Keen, we all have to work here, alright? We're already one person short and missing an informant. So unless you tell me about Reddington, there's nothing here for you."

She turned on her heel and hurried back towards the exit. Jumping into her car, she almost raced back to her current residence. Never had she felt this humiliated before. Without taking off her outdoor clothes, she threw herself on the bed, hugging his pillow to her chest, she inhaled deeply and then took out her cell, dialing a number she knew by heart.

Like before, it went straight to voicemail.

"Red… please just pick up. I could really use one or two of your ridiculous stories now… maybe even some baklava. I… where are you? You really need to come back." She stopped for a moment, when she felt hot tears welling up in her eyes. "Red," she sobbed out. "Please come home."


End file.
